MAYBE MATURING

 I've gone through some major changes recently, most emanating from a mistake I made at work. Another employee called me a "cunt" for making said mistake to which I froze. I didn't confront him that day and felt guilty about it the entire weekend. In my mind however, something had already changed. I knew that I had to confront him and mentally prepared for it by going on a long walk, screaming in my car, and practicing what I was going to tell him. The day rolls around and as soon as I get into work I go up to him and say I need to talk to you. I confront him about what happened and he plays it off like it was a misunderstanding. He comes up to me a few more times that day apologizing but not taking full responsibility. I'm still annoyed but more so pleased with myself than anything else.  Anyway, that event and the defending of self lit a spark in me. I feel empowered and really ready to start living life how I should have been. With good boundaries and being abl...

I've recently felt rejuvenated internally. I started to not give a fuck about what other people thought of me. When I used to go out I would be extremely worried about others perception of me which would make me act my way through the night. I thought I had to be someone in order to be liked. For example being high energy or being a good dancer or being a good flirt. It was a tremendous amount of pressure that I somehow managed to let go of in the span of the last week. I've just been trying to be do me and not worry about what others think. I did struggle a little with my attraction to some females but realized it was purely physical and that if it was going to work out it will work out. In the end it didn't but I had a good time even without having sex.  So that's it really, if I leave my expectations, assumptions, and lust at the door, I tend to have a much better time just getting to know people and seeing where the day takes me.

It's not that I'm shy, its more so that I have rules in my head for how the world works. Really, I spend all my time trying to refine these rules. I'll take input from my surroundings like someone saying something and the reaction(output) to that something. Then if it occurs enough or I see it online enough I will make it a default rule. So When I'm at work or in other social situations I weave through conversations and interactions, not trying to break any of these rules. A big one for me is showing any interest whatsoever. I want to be wanted and hard to get. When I hear others talking about going out together, what I really want to say is, "can i come?" but under my rules that is deemed desperate and they would think I'm a loser. On a separate but related note, I feel this effects the way I walk. I'm so tense cause I don't want to be exposed as something, because having an identify can lead to others hurting it.

I fear most, a life of mediocrity. Every decision I make leads back to this question: "Where am I leading my life to if I do this". Which often results in long, drawn out thinking that usually come down to last second decisions any way.  Since I can remember I've thought this way. I never wanted to be like anyone I knew, everyone had flaws and didn't seem truly happy with their existence. I want to overcome every obstacle in my way and achieve what most can't. I've always felt like that is destined for me. That being said, it creates lots of anxiety when making decisions since every little detail has a mountain of pressure resting on it. What I think I want: - A good paying job - An attractive wife/girlfriend - A big social circle - Meaningful relationships - A meaningful career - Sobriety from drugs and porn I asked ChatGPT for advice. This is it's response, I kind of like it:  Balancing ambition with self-compassion could help reduce the anxiety you expe...

I've always felt like an outsider peering into others worlds. Their worlds always seem vast and full of excitement and connection. Mine has felt like a repeat of the same events and circumstances for the last 4 years. I've matured in many ways thankfully but I feel like there were risks and opportunities I didn't take. I want to break this cycle which i've been trying to do through sobriety and therapy. It feels like the next move is to expand to new friendships that suit my needs better. When I do try and make friends the same thing tends to happen. We talk and have a good time but then I see them again and i start to think of ways they wouldn't be a good friend or why they wouldn't want to be friends with me. Like if they figured out who I was and what I did and how dumb I actually was they wouldn't want to be friends with me. Feeling this way makes it very difficult to connect further and usually we end up not becoming friends. On this topic I also think ...

As a recent graduate I feel an immense pressure to get a "real job" instead of continuing to work as a server. To an extent I think I really want this for myself too since serving takes a lot out of me. I do really enjoy the environment but I think it's mostly because of the women. All the servers working are primarily women and living on campus you get some absolutely beautiful girls as coworkers. Often make or break days really depend on my interactions with them. I like it cause I get to practice talking to them but It's also a work environment and I don't want to be weird. I can never tell if they are into me or just being friendly.  Anyway, I don't know how ready I am to give that experience up for a corporate job which will probably have much older co-workers who take it much more seriously. Which leads me to my next point about the difference in living styles. Are you happier if you love what you do and dedicate yourself to learning or are you happier w...