MAYBE MATURING

 My grandparents called me today which scares me every time cause I think they are going to tell me one of them died. I'm not sure how I would react to that news since I've had no deaths in the family since I was a little kid. My grandpa left me a voice message saying he needed to talk to me and I called him later in the day. He was worried about a job I have lined up in the fall. He shares many of the same worries I do and I'm conflicted on how to take his actions. On the one hand I too share some worries about the uncertainty of the job and he pointed out some things that would be smart to do. On the other hand he hasn't really been a part of my life and has caused me a lot of stress today. Along with the advice it felt like there was a lack of belief in what I could do. He asked me what I wanted to be and I told him that I don't know and I wish I did. He replied that he wish I did too.  When someone expresses their opinion of my actions I tend to strongly agree w...

Some nights, like tonight I spiral down a sea of thoughts that just don't quite go away. Thoughts of my character, the character of others, decisions, direction, little interactions and everything in between stick with me. There are overarching themes of trust, self-worth, and friendship which I already think about daily.  I think about ways I could have stood up for myself better and become my own bully for not doing it. When I took a step back and told myself it's going to be alright I started to feel better. It gave some perspective and slowed my spiral down. I think of the ways I've improved my life for the better like making the decision to quit a job because it didn't fulfill my needs. Or the decision to change diets, cook more, learn more, reach out more, exercise more, stand up for myself more, and prioritize sleep and health.  These things have made me feel really good the last few months. Just writing those down calms me down and gives my mind some food for th...

 I've often struggled with a sense of direction. My actions as well as my environment have made it somewhat easy to follow a routine path through to the end of college. Many kids get jobs right away or go back to pursue further education. I did neither. I wanted a detox from the constant "path" that I, as an American citizen was suppose to follow. The detox, coming up on a year out of school has had it's ups and downs. I've faced many fears including talking about my feelings, fears, trauma, and general anxieties that plague my days. I'm still not where I want to be but the progress was much quicker than when I'd been in school and preoccupied with everything that comes with that.  I'm at the point where I feel a direction needs to be chosen. I have a job as a real estate agent secured in New York City for the fall which is tempting but is risky. Other options are to go back to school, or continue serving and bartending in my hometown. I can't make...

Popular culture seems to idolize a certain way of living. As I listened to “Pop That Pussy” by 2 Live Crew, I couldn’t help but notice the themes: open sex, partying hard, doing drugs, and living without limits. The message is clear—freedom means indulgence. In another one of their songs, “Banned in the USA,” the group pushes back against censorship, arguing that their lyrics are misunderstood and not meant to promote violence or disrespect toward women. They claim to be simply expressing pleasure and freedom in a new era, pushing against the morals of those who don’t understand—likely white, conservative America. Hearing those lyrics made me reflect on the current state of popular culture, especially from my perspective as a middle-class white guy in my early twenties. Today, in much of rap, movies, and TikTok, there’s this ever-present sense that to be “free” is to act on every desire. If you want to fuck, you fuck. If you want to do drugs, you do them. If you want to party and lose ...

I've started to notice negative self talk I have with myself when I'm alone. I tend to leave interactions happy but after spending time alone quickly turn my memory of them into a negative mush. I told my therapist about this and he said it's something called cognitive distortions which can occur when someone has been traumatized.  I notice them after work or even in planning future events. For example, I'd like to host a party with some co-workers and friends. The first thought that comes to mind about said party is that no one will have a good time and I will be judged for it. I really just want to do it to get over this fear and self-doubt. 

 I've gone through some major changes recently, most emanating from a mistake I made at work. Another employee called me a "cunt" for making said mistake to which I froze. I didn't confront him that day and felt guilty about it the entire weekend. In my mind however, something had already changed. I knew that I had to confront him and mentally prepared for it by going on a long walk, screaming in my car, and practicing what I was going to tell him. The day rolls around and as soon as I get into work I go up to him and say I need to talk to you. I confront him about what happened and he plays it off like it was a misunderstanding. He comes up to me a few more times that day apologizing but not taking full responsibility. I'm still annoyed but more so pleased with myself than anything else.  Anyway, that event and the defending of self lit a spark in me. I feel empowered and really ready to start living life how I should have been. With good boundaries and being abl...