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what I want in my life

 I feel like a big downside of my character is the inability to decide what I want in my life. This typically being between ideas, values, and people. A recent example is taking on a more religious life vs continuing under the spiritual path I had taken. Remaining friends with the same people or making new friends. Being a conservative vs a liberal. One day I love my friends, I feel my path connected spiritually with the world, and capitalism and a more conservative worldview reign supreme. The next day I'm bored with what my friends have to say and wish I had different ones, my path feels blocked by my past and the current society we live in, and all I want is drastic change. These ideas aren't don't have to be bundled together they all scramble between each other and really confuse me. 
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fun

Writing late at night I often am of freer mind. I'm like the dude who gets super motivated to get jacked and rich at 3am but by the time the next day rolls around he's back to his old habits. At 3am he's flying though. Anyway there's something interesting about this time cause it unlocks a part of your brain or slows negative thoughts and allows for insightful thoughts. Right now I think about fun and why exactly I don't feel I'm having enough of it. I think the main factors are how I think I'm perceived by others, financial constraints, and that's it actually. Both those have some roots in reality but are largely rooted in anxiety. When I'm out for example, I really care what the people I'm with think of me and what the people around think of myself and my group. I don't want to be loud and cause a scene or do something to upset anyone and draw any attention. I also struggle making plans to spend my money. I want to save it for when I need i...
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women and free will

As I reflect on a stressful, mentally taxing day, two things come to mind. The first, as usual, is women; the second is the direction of my life. Much of today was spent anxiously thinking about relationships—past, present, and future. I found myself stuck on thoughts like “I was never happy” or “I’ll never be happy,” as bad memories resurfaced one after another. My inner dialogue framed my relationships as “bad” compared to the “good” ones I imagine other people have. Being single now, I feel like I need to change my approach to dating if I ever want something “better.” I tell myself I need to be the pursuer—more social, more mentally strong. At the same time, another part of me believes I’ll eventually find someone simply by being myself. That tension seems to mirror a broader theme in my life: who I think I should be versus who I actually am. This brings me to the second thread of thought: fate and free will. Do we really choose our paths, or are we simply carried along by them? Per...
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Is there only one path?

 I've reached a new chapter in my life and the future is really in the hands of the universe at this point. Whether or not I move depends on external factors as well as my own willingness to do so. More often than not I've started to believe that external factors are just a projection of what you really want. For example as I start to enjoy my time in my hometown and the relationships and the more I doubt the move the more issues arise with said move.  So there's currently a lot of doubt about what I want to do which unfortunately has overshadowed some really amazing growth I've shown over the last few weeks. In my head it's like a huge checklist of fears/wants/whathaveyou, that has built over the years and as I learn to let go that list slowly gets checked away. As of starting the letting go process a lot of fears have been checked off that list and as of the last week more have been as well. Just because I've made the progress however doesn't mean I feel f...
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