MAYBE MATURING

I recently started taking risks that in the past I would not have. Risks like telling my boss I want to get paid more, voicing a frustration with a roommate, and other little things of the sort. I've lived much of my life sweeping those little things under the rug which built resentment and made it hard to form genuine connections.  So as I said, the last few weeks have been a step in what I believe is the right direction. That being said I feel more isolated than ever with my roommates. Maybe it's past grievances on their end, the recent dish situation, or it's all in my head but it feels like theres tension.  At this point I'm just gonna ride it out. It doesn't feel good and if they say something so be it but I don't feel I've done anything to deserve this. I'm honestly just mad at them for how they act. I'm too exhausted to make the effort to mend. They are too closed minded and will only agree with each other since they've known each other si...

Something that comes up often in my life is the idea of trying. In sales I see this and "trying" to convince someone to work with you. In a relationship I see it as the same. And to me it always raises the question "is it worth trying?".  From my experience, the more I try the more I push things away and feel bad about myself. Typically I'm trying in hopes of gaining something and not necessarily benefiting the other party. Then it again that could be my own disposition that thinks low of myself because I would be a good friend, boyfriend, or business connection.  The issue for me is believing that–and I think that has to start with understanding who I strive to be.  Realistically that's been my issue. I've been able to understand how to go out and sell something, it's just that their has to be belief behind the product. For me, I'm not sure of what I'm selling and I don't know if the change has to come from the mindset or from the produc...

The thought that I am not in a position to date recently crossed my mind. The women I dm'd hasn't responded though I know now she had spent the day on a boat.  The first thought I have is that I'm either competing with guys who have boats or her family is well off. Both put me into a position of insecurity since I neither have a boat nor am well off. I have confidence that I'll figure it out but in the meantime I feel like it hurts my dating odds.  I'm still gonna text her asking her out, but just waiting on her to reply.

I recently Instagram messaged a girl who I met through a mutual friend. We had a good time dancing and though I wasn't sure if my mutual friend was into her so didn't ask for her number. Fast forward a few weeks and I'm trying to make decisions for myself and what I want. I text her about fun things to do in the city we both live in since she's from here.  No reply for a few hours and it stings a little but deep down I know that it's worth it that I tried. Then she responds and seems really enthusiastic and gives me some great recommendations. Now I feel even more pressure. Cause what I really want is to just ask her out. Instead now I feel this pressure to continue the conversation and every thing I say twirls in my mind a million times over. It's basically the same anxiety of talking to a pretty girl at the bar. Thoughts that she's gonna judge me, I'm not good enough, everything blurs my mind and I can't even focus. Action : I'm going to ask he...

There's a perpetual cycle of unhappiness that fills my life. I think it's always there but "happy" things mask it. I use quotes cause I derive much of my happiness from material and by their nature fleeting things–sex, drugs, money give me my highs, but when that wears off I'm left alone.  I search for something to latch onto in these moments. Any form of entertainment will do. That drowns out the though temporarily, luckily I can find entertainment almost everywhere online, through video games, sport tournaments, movies, and so much more content.  When I do sit alone with my thoughts they consist of similar patterns–friends, women, work. Now, these aren't immaterial and very important in fact though it's the things I struggle most with. My friendships feel one-sided, my relationships feel no love, and I have no passion for my career.  Everything feels so permanent. The people in my life don't change so nothing changes. I don't think it's right...

Still feeling the effects. My neck hurts for some reason. Not sure if it was the run I went on or sleeping poorly. I went back to E's apartment after a night of drinking with her. She said that she wanted to sleep with me but is withholding for her own self-esteem. I understood but was frustrated. I go back and forth on my relationship with E. There are moments I think she's wonderful and then moments where she is not. Ultimately I've never been able to picture it working for very long and that has created the most doubt of all. The scary thing is that I've had that pattern with every women I've dated. Perhaps in correlation, I always feel like I fall into my relationships and ALWAYS sleep with them almost immediately. That typically breaks the trance and a little voice in my head tells me theres something wrong. I listen until the voice down below starts to get louder.  My predicament is that for myself to feel good and be in the mood to date I need to be having my...