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I like the music

 Going out I find it increasingly difficult to talk to women. The idea of approaching a women and talking to her feels like I'm a salesman. It's like I'm putting on a performance with the message being "here is why you should fuck me".  Maybe I choose this reasoning cause I'm scared to get rejected. That notion is definitely true. Still I think I that approach won't net me the women I want. What will? I don't know but my assumption is that as long as I stay true to myself they will find me.  Maybe that's naive or delusional but I don't see a way around it. I'm looking in the wrong place. I don't think drinking in inherently bad but I can't get this drunk. I've said it before but I need to mean it. I just let myself go and follow someone else's lead whose equally if not more fucked up.  Cool it on the drinking, join groups, have a schedule that works. Play sports. Things will work out.
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lessons 1

 After a night out I find myself conflicted by my actions. I shared a cigarette with a person who identified as "them" and it was pleasant. Unfortunately, I was tested immediately by two guys. We got into a conversation that seemed pleasant but took a turn for the worst when one of them said faggot. I took offense but wasn't quick to defend my new friend. Instead I inquired and in doing lost an ally. I saw the humanity in the man that said that term and reasoned with him. I told him I don't think he should say it but I didn't get mad.  My new friend left abruptly. At the end of the night I saw them and they told me that I didn't defend them.  I shouted back that I did but in my head I realized I didn't. I was cowardly. At that is where my first lesson is learned. Defend your beliefs even against scrutiny. There was a clear wrong and I tried to be a moderator knowing very well which side I was on.  In the future I won't make this mistake. 
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porn and masterbation

A predicament I often find myself in is this. I won't masterbate for a few days. Afterwhich I get horny and want to masterbate. My mind instantly goes to wanting to watch porn.  The conflict that arises is this sense of guilt for watching porn instead of going out and finding a women. Am I somehow wasting my potential by just jerking off to porn? Am I harming myself by doing so?  One argument is that I'd just hurt the women I find cause I just want her for sex. 
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jews, interest rates, poor people, and bigots

 I can't shake this feeling anytime I check my social medias that there is a great deal of hatred in the world. I'd argue, online at least there is more hatred than love. When I see this hatred I want so badly to understand it. I want to do something about it, fix it, fix the problems that are being brought forward by it.  There's a lot of tension with Jewish people, there's this idea that "they" are the problem. When I think of what that means I picture the landlords mostly, jacking up rents for terrible units. Did I mention I'm from New York? So are all landlords bad people? Is the inherent ownership of land bad?  Similarly we have banks, banks give out loans with an interest rate. If you pay off a typical 30-year fixed income mortgage in full you would pay about double your initial investment if not more. Is this fair? Someone commented on a video about rates saying "Interest is a crime against humanity" and part of wants to believe him.  Is t...
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