MAYBE MATURING

There's a perpetual cycle of unhappiness that fills my life. I think it's always there but "happy" things mask it. I use quotes cause I derive much of my happiness from material and by their nature fleeting things–sex, drugs, money give me my highs, but when that wears off I'm left alone.  I search for something to latch onto in these moments. Any form of entertainment will do. That drowns out the though temporarily, luckily I can find entertainment almost everywhere online, through video games, sport tournaments, movies, and so much more content.  When I do sit alone with my thoughts they consist of similar patterns–friends, women, work. Now, these aren't immaterial and very important in fact though it's the things I struggle most with. My friendships feel one-sided, my relationships feel no love, and I have no passion for my career.  Everything feels so permanent. The people in my life don't change so nothing changes. I don't think it's right...

Still feeling the effects. My neck hurts for some reason. Not sure if it was the run I went on or sleeping poorly. I went back to E's apartment after a night of drinking with her. She said that she wanted to sleep with me but is withholding for her own self-esteem. I understood but was frustrated. I go back and forth on my relationship with E. There are moments I think she's wonderful and then moments where she is not. Ultimately I've never been able to picture it working for very long and that has created the most doubt of all. The scary thing is that I've had that pattern with every women I've dated. Perhaps in correlation, I always feel like I fall into my relationships and ALWAYS sleep with them almost immediately. That typically breaks the trance and a little voice in my head tells me theres something wrong. I listen until the voice down below starts to get louder.  My predicament is that for myself to feel good and be in the mood to date I need to be having my...

 I went on a afternoon walk as a do most days. I have a beautiful scenic view just a few blocks from my house which I enjoy very much. On this particular walk, a man stopped me while I had my earbuds in. I took them thinking he was asking for directions but instead he started talking about the Bible. Now, I grew up in a atheist/agnostic household. My mother is Jewish and father Christian though neither practiced it at all. I didn't know I was suppose to have a bat mitzvah or what that even was till a few days before I turned 13.  Fast forward to today and I'm curious, so I indulge and let the man speak. What he says to me really opened my eyes to a frightening world view. From my understanding "we", "us", "our souls", sinned in a past life. This has caused god to punish us and move us and our children to this prison we call earth. We are rightfully imprisoned and suffering is guaranteed for all. If however, we stay true to the word of Jesus, follow...

 I've been somewhat offered a new position at a different company. I'd be doing similar things though pay should in theory be more linear than sporadic as it has been now and I'd be working with more people my age in a more close-knit office. In the past I think I would have jumped on this opportunity but I want to make sure I'm not rushing into anything.  My current situation is that I'm spending most of it doing work alone–which for the most part I don't really dislike but I think as I'm learning I need more hand holding. My current boss is very busy and doesn't really have time for that he stated. I am at a more prestigious company and the resources are nice.  My main hang up right now is that I've been frustrated with my boss for a while and I don't know if saying something is the right thing to do or even if I have anything to say or request. I don't really want to get in the habit of jumping ship every 6 months so I don't know.

I go between two mindsets. The first is one that feels authentic and sweet. I think to myself I could do anything and that I should try it. For example, I just had a thought to produce a podcast where I interview my friends and get their philosophical views.  I was really excited about this idea but then I get triggered by something and it makes me doubt it. The example today is that I opened instagram and saw that Elon Musk is a trillionaire and that he wants to go to Mars. I doubt particularly like Musk but I do respect that effort. The comments were people arguing with some saying he has too much money and others saying that's what you deserve when you work hard.  When I hear that I start to think about my choices and that maybe I'm not a hard worker. I just want to do some podcast that doesn't really produce anything material. Then I get in my head and the idea dies slowly.  

I don't get it. Am I suppose to jack off into perpetuity? This force of nature causes a deep mix of emotions for me. Friends turn into people I want to fuck, people I shouldn't fuck, turn into people I want to fuck.  All I want is some consistency in thought but every moment changes my perception. When I nut my perception switches. I get into relationships to have consistent sex. Group interactions become emotional latches to women I'm attracted too. It becomes a competition with the guys and a game with the women. I can never tell if they like me. I don't know if somethings wrong with me. I'm tired trying to fix myself.