MAYBE MATURING

Through my 24 years on this planet I've spent a lot of it thinking about how I'm perceived by others. There's always been a nagging urge to please and impress. I looked for the people who were the best at this. My takeaways were to be outgoing, loud, and unaffected. I embodied them but they didn't stick. For years I would try and be this person I wasn't–and for the most part was unsuccessful in reaching my goal of being liked. I reached a breaking point recently where all that effort into being someone else stopped being worth it. The kicker was the continuous pursuit of actions that didn't have a planned outcome of being liked. Meaning that instead of choosing to do something to please, I chose to do something I thought was right. This is difficult, especially with people you like/rely on for income. You venture into unknown territory, you lose control (you never had any). In my life I've been quiet, not always, but I've always disliked large group sett...

 Going out I find it increasingly difficult to talk to women. The idea of approaching a women and talking to her feels like I'm a salesman. It's like I'm putting on a performance with the message being "here is why you should fuck me".  Maybe I choose this reasoning cause I'm scared to get rejected. That notion is definitely true. Still I think I that approach won't net me the women I want. What will? I don't know but my assumption is that as long as I stay true to myself they will find me.  Maybe that's naive or delusional but I don't see a way around it. I'm looking in the wrong place. I don't think drinking in inherently bad but I can't get this drunk. I've said it before but I need to mean it. I just let myself go and follow someone else's lead whose equally if not more fucked up.  Cool it on the drinking, join groups, have a schedule that works. Play sports. Things will work out.

 After a night out I find myself conflicted by my actions. I shared a cigarette with a person who identified as "them" and it was pleasant. Unfortunately, I was tested immediately by two guys. We got into a conversation that seemed pleasant but took a turn for the worst when one of them said faggot. I took offense but wasn't quick to defend my new friend. Instead I inquired and in doing lost an ally. I saw the humanity in the man that said that term and reasoned with him. I told him I don't think he should say it but I didn't get mad.  My new friend left abruptly. At the end of the night I saw them and they told me that I didn't defend them.  I shouted back that I did but in my head I realized I didn't. I was cowardly. At that is where my first lesson is learned. Defend your beliefs even against scrutiny. There was a clear wrong and I tried to be a moderator knowing very well which side I was on.  In the future I won't make this mistake.