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Showing posts from April, 2023

cognitive distortions

I've started to notice negative self talk I have with myself when I'm alone. I tend to leave interactions happy but after spending time alone quickly turn my memory of them into a negative mush. I told my therapist about this and he said it's something called cognitive distortions which can occur when someone has been traumatized.  I notice them after work or even in planning future events. For example, I'd like to host a party with some co-workers and friends. The first thought that comes to mind about said party is that no one will have a good time and I will be judged for it. I really just want to do it to get over this fear and self-doubt. 
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Nothing wrong with me.

 Something pretty amazing happened to me last night. I was smoking and having the usual semi-anxious thoughts that come up when alone. I actually prefer smoking alone for this reason, I feel like I get to understand myself better.  Earlier that day I had been reading Carl Jung's "The Red Book" which I found in the school library. I found that I understood the sections I read fairly well. What stood out to me is when he began talking to his soul. I can't remember exactly what he said but the idea that there are two entities inside of us and one really got me thinking. When I was high I started asking myself why it was that I hated this other entity of mine.  It came down to comparing myself with other people and not really seeing myself in anyone. I thought that I might be an introvert and looked up a video describing the differences between them and extroverts. Mind you, in the past, I had seen a lot of these videos but always rejected the notion that I was in fact an...
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I just wanna do.

Most my life I've contemplated my actions. Actions, conversations, and pursuits were done in a calculated manor. I needed the security of knowing that whatever happened, I would be okay. In all honesty I'm surprised at how well this worked out up on to this point. Now, I've reached a breaking point, I was naive to think that I would ever find true fulfillment from life playing it safe. Right now I just want to do. What I mean by that is I want to Do and not think, Do and not control, Do and not worry. My actions will be my actions and I will have to own their consequences. What I've noticed is that in times when I felt like something was off, it was because I didn't do, instead, I listened to my thoughts and lost out on living. 
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