Maybe it's because I thought everyone had a little voice in their head, but I always believed it was normal to trust what was being said. When I started to focus on meditation and staying present it still didn't occur to me what those practices did for me. I felt better because it was time away from the critic. The critic is this little fucker in your head that's sneaky. He will creep in with tiny, minuscule slights to your self-worth without you even realizing it. Luckily, I have finally become conscious of this and have begun work to suppress its negativity.
Now, before I continue I want to emphasize how much control this has had over me. It's the reason I'm afraid of people, it's the reason I judge so harshly, and it's the reason I hate myself. For my practice, I notice it anytime it comes up and stop it by talking to it. I'll say "Come back here fucker" or visualize putting the thing in a chokehold.
So if I'm walking in public and a pretty girl makes eye contact, instead of turning away and telling myself that I'm not good enough for her, I instead know that's not me thinking that and become present. Right now, I'm focused on being gentle with myself as I go through this process. I don't want to rush anything and go too far outside my comfort zone as I may trigger something again.
So yea... my parents are narcissists, which isn't fun to realize but has helped me put a lot of things into perspective.
Onward and upward,
Matthew
Comments
Post a Comment