MAYBE MATURING

 I'm gonna keep this one short cause I'm tired and it's late. Today was nice, I walked around and was able to talk to a bunch of people who are very important to me. Continuing to maintain and grow those connections is a must for me and is something I've been lacking in my life.  My last call of the day was with one of my buddies back home. We talked about our psychedelic experiences and how it has changed our view of life. He was telling me that he had a zoomed-out perspective on everyday life and he said "everyone just wakes up and repeats the same day over and over again"  which I thought was interesting. I've definitely had parts of my life be like that and it sucks. Now, I'm more aware of what living is supposed to feel like and I try not to take for granted the people around me and the experiences there are to experience. Still conflicted about the idea of finding a job and fitting into "society" vs living and seeing what happens. I...

Today I took some shrooms. Penis Envy's to be precise. I usually stick to the chocolate bars but have been using those for a while and thought I'd experiment with something new. I had bought an eighth and did a little more than half figuring the strain is about 1.5 times as potent. In hindsight, I should have done more since the trip was fairly mellow but I have no regrets.  The one note I jotted down on my phone was this. "Never do anything for anyone. Do it for yourself. If you want to impress anyone, impress yourself." Wow, I'm truly a visionary...  Although this sounds like every single motivational speech on the planet, in the moment I could truly feel the meaning behind it. If I had to recall what brought these thoughts to mind I'd think about the feelings and words I hold back when around others. These are usually personal feelings or aspirations. I really wish I had just one person to talk to who I didn't feel was judging me.  Here is a list of som...

 Woke up around 1:20 PM today. I haven't had much to do or direction since quitting my job last Friday. I'm continuing my morning routine of stretching and meditation and am still going to the gym. If I were to describe how I'm feeling it would be a mix of boredom, loneliness, and anxiety. The last 5 years of my life have been planned out and executed to perfection. My confidence came from what I had achieved materially yet I still suffered immensely. My lows came from the fear of not achieving what I had set out to achieve. For example, getting a bad grade.  I still have another year of school left but I don't want to think about that right now. I want to feel what it's like to want nothing. Even now I'm thinking about my next move, the next thing I can attach my self-worth to.  After waking up I did my routine, went to the gym, then ate, smoked some cigarettes, and played video games.  I talked to my brother which was great and just now got me thinking that I ...

 I've been micro-dosing now for about a month. The protocol is 5 days on and 2 days off. After a month you take a month off.  I will do my best to be sober for the next month. From my experience so far on psychedelics, I can say confidently it has changed my life. Earlier I wrote about my perspective shift but want to elaborate further for myself in case I ever read through these. What psychedelics do is help you see past the bullshit. They help you understand that you don't need to be treated badly because you're an intern, student, or young person. The promise of school and entry-level jobs is a promotion or something to put on your resume. Because, once you have those things you can finally start doing what you want to do.  What if I just try and do what I want to do right now. I'm an adult, and I have the capability and discipline to learn. I used to put labels on things like "I can't do that" referring to a job or a skill.  Maybe I can't but label...

I texted my boss today asking for a raise. He said we'd talk about it tomorrow in person. It took a lot for me to do that but it's something I'd been contemplating and feeling very restless over. We will see how the talk goes, I'm preparing to be firm and not be a pushover.  It feels good though when I face the thing that is bothering me rather than letting it pester away at me. These types of situations have been a common occurrence in my life and unfortunately, I don't face them. Instead, I let it build up, which creates inner tension and resentment towards other parties involved as well as myself. Eventually, this tension can't last and I explode.  In my experience, I held those feelings in because I feared losing something. Now I've been living my life as if there isn't anything to lose. If my job can't accept paying me better then I will find another job. If a girl rejects me, I will simply find another girl.  The theory of what I'm saying i...

Good day today for the most part. I've been trying to implement being present and truly understanding what it means throughout the day. Listening to "A New Earth" by Eckart Tolle helps a lot. My understanding of what it means to be present boils down to a few things.  Not using the past to try and predict what will happen in the moment. This applies to personal experiences such as relationships or events that have happened to me which make me fearful or doubtful of a new situation. Another aspect of this, however, are the built-in rules that we are taught growing up. Everyone has their own experiences but for me, I always grew up thinking that I had to do my absolute best in every single situation to succeed. This added a lot of stress to my life and made me a real people pleaser. Life is what it is at any moment and working extremely hard could make me "successful" in a sense but I sacrificed my well-being and who knows, maybe I'll fail instead or get hit b...

I can't fall asleep so I figure I'll write a bit about my last week. On Friday I was alone at work with a co-worker who I have the biggest crush on. I was feeling ballsey and after 40 straight minutes of contemplation in my head, I squeaked out "Do you want to make out?." I won't go into details but I got rejected. I later apologized sincerely over text.  The rest of the day was brutal and all I could feel was shame, regret, and worry that she might say something to my employer. The feeling subsided over the next few days which for the most part is due to some fun nights I had with friends.  A friend from the island I used to live on was in town and we did shrooms and went out. Our conversations were amazing and I could finally relate to someone on a deep level. He talked about his philosophy of life and his view of god. The definition he gave didn't stick in my mind but from what I remember he defines it as "everything is going to be okay". If you l...

 I remember standing there hurting. I had just called another agent by the wrong name and she had ignored my question after.  The day had gone well and I hadn't "messed up" until then. When I did though I felt immense pain, as if I was bad for making a mistake.  Feels pretty shitty that something like that can ruin a great day but I noticed it.  I also noticed that I have a hard time leaving a group of people. I want some sort of conclusion, like for example with the girl I like at work.  I'm wearing my beige shirt and am writing this in the dorms courtyard. I was wearing my yeezy's, grey shorts, and ll bean polo today when I had my pain moment.

 Pretty good day, not much happened but I didn't take any drugs at all. I even stopped myself from smoking "just one" cigarette.  I felt pretty empowered at that moment. Usually, I give in to that sensation but instead, I said no, and it hurt but I forgot about it after a while.  I got to read more of "Man's Search for Meaning" which is great and is one of the first books I've actually read in a long time. I got a haircut, and I went on a walk.  Music and food seemed to be my alternate drugs of choice today. I also had a few awkward interactions with some of the guys I had met. It got me thinking about making my feelings clear to people. Do you really tell someone you don't want to be friends? or at least hangout. It's so hard.

 I talked to my bosses today. They sat me down and brought up that I had mentioned wanting a day off. She started the conversation with "we were very shocked and disappointed" which doesn't feel great. I was taken aback and might have been more defensive if the job hadn't gotten significantly easier the last few days. Still, in retrospect, I wish I would have held my ground and gone over some points that weren't great and still aren't great.  For example, I'm working 7 days a week, earning on average $100 a day. My paycheck doesn't reflect that either because there are delays in payouts.  The only reason I am hesitant to speak on this is that I did accept the job knowing this. I don't feel like they truly explained the 7-day thing but in all honesty, I could have just been so excited about coming to New York that it slipped by.  A positive is that the end of the month is calmer and I'll have much more free time which is nice.  I'm also lear...

 Work was easy today, I didn't have a lot to do and was generally in a good, and more so calm mood. I got to go home at 3:00 PM today and decided to watch the new Spider-man movie. After that, I spent some time with two friends I met playing pool downstairs. I have a strange feeling around them, it's like I'm trying to figure out if I really want to be friends with this person or if they really want to be friends with me.  I'm hyper-analyzing everything and projecting my idea of what a friendship should look like onto myself. I imagine it being back-and-forth banter, constant laughter, and constant deep conversations.  Sometimes it feels too awkward to engage in any of those activities with these two people.  As of writing this I just finished watching a video about connections and CPTSD. The main idea is that you can numb yourself to the point that you don't have needs. When this occurs, you become a good listener but often struggle to hold conversations because yo...

 Today was more chill which is good but I still feel an urge to tell my bosses that I need more free time. A lot of the stress I had might not have completely been on doing a lot of work but instead the fear of not talking to my bosses. I'm kind of resisting a natural emotion and every time they are around I feel shameful.  When I was on the bus today I got to focus on breathing which felt nice. I got home around 6 and went down to the courtyard to smoke some weed. I sit in this little area behind some bushes so the security guard doesn't see me. I've sat in the open though and I don't think they care. I'm also friendly with most of them so no worries on my end. I start smoking and get a little anxious. A therapist told me that a big reason people panic when they smoke is because it raises their heart rate for a bit. You'll often hear of people being "too high" and panicky but then having a great time after that passes.  As I'm smoking I'm focu...

 I met Michael today after taking a lunch break around 2 PM. He needed a lighter and then I asked if he had any water in his bottle and he said no but he'd get me some from inside. That was very nice of him.  We ended up sitting down and he told me he was a writer and that he was writing a novel. We got to talking about the writing process and he said told me about a writer, who I forget the name of who journaled daily. He would start writing about his day and the emotions he felt in specific situations the next morning instead of at night. He said it helped him process it better.  What really got me thinking is when he talked about describing the day and describing the emotions he was feeling in that certain situation. I told him that I feel like I would struggle to remember those emotions and to be honest, I do as I'm writing this now.  I'll try my best to recite things. I think the main feeling I was having when we met is do I like this guy. I feel like I never kn...

  I'm writing this for myself so that I remember. You are part of a clog of things that make New York City what it is. That is not an easy task. It's impressive that I got to this stage. Obviously, i'm still an intern and don't know what being a full-on agent is like but i've been given a lot of TRUST and responsibility. In one of the greatest cities on earth. I have a talent, it's innate and it kinda makes all the missing pieces fall into place.  CEO's understand psychology, they understand people, it's a gift. It sucked because you have to unlearn a lot of things but once you do it all makes sense.