cognitive distortions

I've started to notice negative self talk I have with myself when I'm alone. I tend to leave interactions happy but after spending time alone quickly turn my memory of them into a negative mush. I told my therapist about this and he said it's something called cognitive distortions which can occur when someone has been traumatized.  I notice them after work or even in planning future events. For example, I'd like to host a party with some co-workers and friends. The first thought that comes to mind about said party is that no one will have a good time and I will be judged for it. I really just want to do it to get over this fear and self-doubt. 
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June 9

 I talked to my bosses today. They sat me down and brought up that I had mentioned wanting a day off. She started the conversation with "we were very shocked and disappointed" which doesn't feel great. I was taken aback and might have been more defensive if the job hadn't gotten significantly easier the last few days. Still, in retrospect, I wish I would have held my ground and gone over some points that weren't great and still aren't great. 

For example, I'm working 7 days a week, earning on average $100 a day. My paycheck doesn't reflect that either because there are delays in payouts. 

The only reason I am hesitant to speak on this is that I did accept the job knowing this. I don't feel like they truly explained the 7-day thing but in all honesty, I could have just been so excited about coming to New York that it slipped by. 

A positive is that the end of the month is calmer and I'll have much more free time which is nice. 

I'm also learning a lot, not just real estate-wise but also learning to socialize better.


I think my main "thing" now is setting better boundaries and really following them even if I don't feel them at the moment. Cause I'm really nice and appreciate people for who they are but I do feel like I lack trust in some individuals and think they could just be using that niceness against me.


I'm young though and this is a pretty great experience regardless of pay. Just a little skeptical and annoyed about the "shocked and disappointed" statement.  Like bitch, I worked my ass off for a week and a half straight and your giving me attitude for asking to get a day off. 


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On a positive note, Jake definitely seems more friendly and I really like some of the other realtors and interns.


I got invited to a party by an intern today and I went around 7ish. I got in line and talked to these girls for a while when all of a sudden I got extremely feverish. I had taken some shrooms, thinking it was only a microdose but when they hit it was bad and I knew almost right away that I had to get the fuck out of there. Luckily we live in a society with Ubers and Lyfts which got me home asap. I honestly calmed down the instant I got into the Lyft so I think it was just a tiny bit too much cause I didn't feel those strong effects at all after. 


That kind of sucked cause I wanted to see the intern but it's a good learning experience to know what my limits are. I was feeling down and it definitely made me reevaluate my relationship with psychedelics. It's weird but I was very hesitant on taking them since I had already microdosed in the morning and didn't want to just use them to have fun. 

I guess I shouldn't have cause that's the reaction I had.


I feel good now as of writing and will continue to use them but will be more diligent.





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