cognitive distortions

I've started to notice negative self talk I have with myself when I'm alone. I tend to leave interactions happy but after spending time alone quickly turn my memory of them into a negative mush. I told my therapist about this and he said it's something called cognitive distortions which can occur when someone has been traumatized.  I notice them after work or even in planning future events. For example, I'd like to host a party with some co-workers and friends. The first thought that comes to mind about said party is that no one will have a good time and I will be judged for it. I really just want to do it to get over this fear and self-doubt. 
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June 11

 Pretty good day, not much happened but I didn't take any drugs at all. I even stopped myself from smoking "just one" cigarette. 

I felt pretty empowered at that moment. Usually, I give in to that sensation but instead, I said no, and it hurt but I forgot about it after a while. 


I got to read more of "Man's Search for Meaning" which is great and is one of the first books I've actually read in a long time. I got a haircut, and I went on a walk. 

Music and food seemed to be my alternate drugs of choice today. I also had a few awkward interactions with some of the guys I had met. It got me thinking about making my feelings clear to people. Do you really tell someone you don't want to be friends? or at least hangout. It's so hard.





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