I can't fall asleep so I figure I'll write a bit about my last week. On Friday I was alone at work with a co-worker who I have the biggest crush on. I was feeling ballsey and after 40 straight minutes of contemplation in my head, I squeaked out "Do you want to make out?." I won't go into details but I got rejected. I later apologized sincerely over text.
The rest of the day was brutal and all I could feel was shame, regret, and worry that she might say something to my employer. The feeling subsided over the next few days which for the most part is due to some fun nights I had with friends.
A friend from the island I used to live on was in town and we did shrooms and went out. Our conversations were amazing and I could finally relate to someone on a deep level. He talked about his philosophy of life and his view of god. The definition he gave didn't stick in my mind but from what I remember he defines it as "everything is going to be okay". If you live life you are following god.
When we started discussing this it made me realize how much I actively try and fight against life. The main story I tell myself is that if I don't work hard and struggle right now I will become homeless and no one will like me.
With some further conversation, we came to the conclusion that living life is about the present moment and not about using the past to predict the future. The future is ever-changing but lots of us seem to think there are rules.
A way I want to live my life differently after learning this is by implementing it into my current work. My job is a lot of work and I'm as close to an unpaid intern as you can get. I plan to treat the job as something I can quit if need be and not invest my emotions into it. If I quit I won't be able to put it on my resume and my past self would think this is a failure of extreme magnitude because "the achievement is all that matters" even if I didn't enjoy it.
It's like getting a degree in a subject you don't like. You just do it for the sake of doing it so you follow social norms.
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A few minutes before writing this while struggling to fall asleep, I caught myself fantasizing about the girl at my work. I think I'm still in the denial phase and think that magically she will start liking me. I guess you never know but I'm starting to at least see that we never really connected on anything and she wasn't anything special to talk to. She was just mesmerizing and I couldn't just talk to her without knowing. It felt like I was lying to her.
It is what it is, can't live in the past. I did something risky which took a lot which is a huge win in and of itself.
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