It's going to be okay

Some nights, like tonight I spiral down a sea of thoughts that just don't quite go away. Thoughts of my character, the character of others, decisions, direction, little interactions and everything in between stick with me. There are overarching themes of trust, self-worth, and friendship which I already think about daily.  I think about ways I could have stood up for myself better and become my own bully for not doing it. When I took a step back and told myself it's going to be alright I started to feel better. It gave some perspective and slowed my spiral down. I think of the ways I've improved my life for the better like making the decision to quit a job because it didn't fulfill my needs. Or the decision to change diets, cook more, learn more, reach out more, exercise more, stand up for myself more, and prioritize sleep and health.  These things have made me feel really good the last few months. Just writing those down calms me down and gives my mind some food for th...

June 20

Good day today for the most part. I've been trying to implement being present and truly understanding what it means throughout the day. Listening to "A New Earth" by Eckart Tolle helps a lot.


My understanding of what it means to be present boils down to a few things. 

Not using the past to try and predict what will happen in the moment. This applies to personal experiences such as relationships or events that have happened to me which make me fearful or doubtful of a new situation. Another aspect of this, however, are the built-in rules that we are taught growing up. Everyone has their own experiences but for me, I always grew up thinking that I had to do my absolute best in every single situation to succeed. This added a lot of stress to my life and made me a real people pleaser. Life is what it is at any moment and working extremely hard could make me "successful" in a sense but I sacrificed my well-being and who knows, maybe I'll fail instead or get hit by a car. 


Everything I just wrote, to me, means one thing, letting go of control. 


Knowing these things now is one thing but implementing them is another. I'll get into moments where I'll feel like I have to sacrifice my well-being or be treated badly just because there's a "risk" associated with me acting out. For example my job, I want to set better boundaries with my bosses but it's hard. Or telling a girl how I really feel. All these things have outcomes that my past experiences and lessons have taught me to expect. In reality, those "experiences" are just that, experiences. What the future holds cannot by any stretch of the imagination be predicted accurately in its entirety. 


Why even try to control it then...



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