It's going to be okay

Some nights, like tonight I spiral down a sea of thoughts that just don't quite go away. Thoughts of my character, the character of others, decisions, direction, little interactions and everything in between stick with me. There are overarching themes of trust, self-worth, and friendship which I already think about daily.  I think about ways I could have stood up for myself better and become my own bully for not doing it. When I took a step back and told myself it's going to be alright I started to feel better. It gave some perspective and slowed my spiral down. I think of the ways I've improved my life for the better like making the decision to quit a job because it didn't fulfill my needs. Or the decision to change diets, cook more, learn more, reach out more, exercise more, stand up for myself more, and prioritize sleep and health.  These things have made me feel really good the last few months. Just writing those down calms me down and gives my mind some food for th...
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June 22

I texted my boss today asking for a raise. He said we'd talk about it tomorrow in person. It took a lot for me to do that but it's something I'd been contemplating and feeling very restless over. We will see how the talk goes, I'm preparing to be firm and not be a pushover. 

It feels good though when I face the thing that is bothering me rather than letting it pester away at me. These types of situations have been a common occurrence in my life and unfortunately, I don't face them. Instead, I let it build up, which creates inner tension and resentment towards other parties involved as well as myself. Eventually, this tension can't last and I explode. 

In my experience, I held those feelings in because I feared losing something. Now I've been living my life as if there isn't anything to lose. If my job can't accept paying me better then I will find another job. If a girl rejects me, I will simply find another girl. 

The theory of what I'm saying is something I've always thought about but bringing it to reality has never happened until now. I still don't know how I will react if I lose the job, it will probably hurt but I just have to have continued faith in myself and the path I choose to lead. 

The only thing I can lose in life is the way I choose to live it. That can be taken away from me if I don't assert my needs.

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