cognitive distortions

I've started to notice negative self talk I have with myself when I'm alone. I tend to leave interactions happy but after spending time alone quickly turn my memory of them into a negative mush. I told my therapist about this and he said it's something called cognitive distortions which can occur when someone has been traumatized.  I notice them after work or even in planning future events. For example, I'd like to host a party with some co-workers and friends. The first thought that comes to mind about said party is that no one will have a good time and I will be judged for it. I really just want to do it to get over this fear and self-doubt. 
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June 23

 I've been micro-dosing now for about a month. The protocol is 5 days on and 2 days off. After a month you take a month off. 


I will do my best to be sober for the next month. From my experience so far on psychedelics, I can say confidently it has changed my life.


Earlier I wrote about my perspective shift but want to elaborate further for myself in case I ever read through these.


What psychedelics do is help you see past the bullshit. They help you understand that you don't need to be treated badly because you're an intern, student, or young person. The promise of school and entry-level jobs is a promotion or something to put on your resume. Because, once you have those things you can finally start doing what you want to do. 


What if I just try and do what I want to do right now. I'm an adult, and I have the capability and discipline to learn. I used to put labels on things like "I can't do that" referring to a job or a skill. 

Maybe I can't but labeling it without having ever actually committed to trying it is delusional. Honestly, most of my thinking was delusional. About women, careers, future, and past. I made rules for how things should be and it was killing me. 





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