cognitive distortions

I've started to notice negative self talk I have with myself when I'm alone. I tend to leave interactions happy but after spending time alone quickly turn my memory of them into a negative mush. I told my therapist about this and he said it's something called cognitive distortions which can occur when someone has been traumatized.  I notice them after work or even in planning future events. For example, I'd like to host a party with some co-workers and friends. The first thought that comes to mind about said party is that no one will have a good time and I will be judged for it. I really just want to do it to get over this fear and self-doubt. 
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June 28

Today I took some shrooms. Penis Envy's to be precise. I usually stick to the chocolate bars but have been using those for a while and thought I'd experiment with something new. I had bought an eighth and did a little more than half figuring the strain is about 1.5 times as potent. In hindsight, I should have done more since the trip was fairly mellow but I have no regrets. 

The one note I jotted down on my phone was this.


"Never do anything for anyone. Do it for yourself. If you want to impress anyone, impress yourself."


Wow, I'm truly a visionary... 

Although this sounds like every single motivational speech on the planet, in the moment I could truly feel the meaning behind it. If I had to recall what brought these thoughts to mind I'd think about the feelings and words I hold back when around others. These are usually personal feelings or aspirations. I really wish I had just one person to talk to who I didn't feel was judging me. 


Here is a list of some topics I shy away from talking about. I will try and slowly be more about talking about these things with close friends.


My feelings (will talk about feeling happy but never about feeling sad)

My writing

My projects



My mind was pretty scrambled writing all this but I got the general topics out. I was wearing my grey hoodie and Air Force's today. I love that fit.




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