Today was more chill which is good but I still feel an urge to tell my bosses that I need more free time. A lot of the stress I had might not have completely been on doing a lot of work but instead the fear of not talking to my bosses. I'm kind of resisting a natural emotion and every time they are around I feel shameful.
When I was on the bus today I got to focus on breathing which felt nice. I got home around 6 and went down to the courtyard to smoke some weed. I sit in this little area behind some bushes so the security guard doesn't see me. I've sat in the open though and I don't think they care. I'm also friendly with most of them so no worries on my end. I start smoking and get a little anxious. A therapist told me that a big reason people panic when they smoke is because it raises their heart rate for a bit. You'll often hear of people being "too high" and panicky but then having a great time after that passes.
As I'm smoking I'm focusing on that and telling myself that it's natural. I go and play pool with and see someone I'd been hanging out with doing his homework. I approach the pool table and notice two ladies having a conversation. At this point, I'm pretty high and intensely focusing in on their conversation while playing pool. From my understanding, one of the women was in some program and she had received her test scores back and she was upset about it. She said that her scores were below average. The other lady was comforting her and talking about how she should see this is a good thing.
To me, it seemed like the white lady was exploiting the black lady. What really threw me off is that she was talking about levels within a company or program. Like that's some Scientology shit. I'm pretty sure she said something about sales too so I'm guessing it the company is some pyramid scheme. Also, the test was probably some kind of way they evaluate this person's IQ which is horrible. And a horrible thing to show someone. Overall, super bad vibes from the white lady although I was very high and tend to villainize people.
I finish a few games of pool then leave to go upstairs. I see Chris by the elevator and we chat and I decide to stay and play a few games of pool. When we were talking I opened up about my problems with my bosses. I've been bitching about it since I started which isn't great and this time told him that I've been reading and listening to steps on setting boundaries with bosses. It felt good getting a little personal.
I did the same when I saw Jordan later at the grocery store and even to his friend I had just met.
Something really interesting is I tried a joke on someone in the resource center. It kind of fell flat but I didn't really care and it's something I never do.
I was wearing my slides, my nice grey pants, and my nike swoosh hoodie.
I forgot to mention that i've been listening to some really great podcast information that puts so much into perspective and makes me feel like i'm not the only one going through it.
The most important thing I feel I took away from it today is that, it's hard to see the world from someone else's perspective who might not have gone what I have gone through. For example, my bosses don't really understand because they work with people who are usually good with their boundaries. They might think I am too but am just a good worker. I haven't tested it yet because I've been to shameful to even ask.
If I want to be treated like an adult I need to set myself first. What's the worst that could happen.
Comments
Post a Comment