Work was easy today, I didn't have a lot to do and was generally in a good, and more so calm mood. I got to go home at 3:00 PM today and decided to watch the new Spider-man movie. After that, I spent some time with two friends I met playing pool downstairs. I have a strange feeling around them, it's like I'm trying to figure out if I really want to be friends with this person or if they really want to be friends with me.
I'm hyper-analyzing everything and projecting my idea of what a friendship should look like onto myself. I imagine it being back-and-forth banter, constant laughter, and constant deep conversations.
Sometimes it feels too awkward to engage in any of those activities with these two people.
As of writing this I just finished watching a video about connections and CPTSD. The main idea is that you can numb yourself to the point that you don't have needs. When this occurs, you become a good listener but often struggle to hold conversations because you don't really voice anything thats on your mind. An example of this would be talking about a movie I just watched or an idea I've been struggling with. When those things get voiced you start a conversation that matters to you and thus can connect with a stranger. I struggle to do this and when I do it feels very uncomfortable, almost like I'm being an inconvenience and that we should talk about another topic.
I don't want to end on a downer cause I feel like today was nice. I did break through in conversation a few times and work has been less stressful. I also thought about control a little which is good to keep in the back of my head.
Remembering that control is the enemy and letting go of what is, and letting time run it's natural course will serve me much better.
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