It's going to be okay

Some nights, like tonight I spiral down a sea of thoughts that just don't quite go away. Thoughts of my character, the character of others, decisions, direction, little interactions and everything in between stick with me. There are overarching themes of trust, self-worth, and friendship which I already think about daily.  I think about ways I could have stood up for myself better and become my own bully for not doing it. When I took a step back and told myself it's going to be alright I started to feel better. It gave some perspective and slowed my spiral down. I think of the ways I've improved my life for the better like making the decision to quit a job because it didn't fulfill my needs. Or the decision to change diets, cook more, learn more, reach out more, exercise more, stand up for myself more, and prioritize sleep and health.  These things have made me feel really good the last few months. Just writing those down calms me down and gives my mind some food for th...
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June 30 - existential dread

 For the past few days, I've been living like a trust fund kid. I'm unemployed and have housing paid for. I've been doing my best to find meaning in doing nothing and honestly have been terrible at it. I do shrooms to get through the day and then feel pretty terrible at night. 

Tonight I went out and actually had a great time with some buddies I met here where I'm staying. Throughout the night though I had this feeling of meaninglessness... I guess that's a word. Anyway, I wasn't getting horny or really feeling anything about the night or who I was spending time with. There was no anxiety but also no real emotion. When we left the club I started talking to the guys I was with about what they think of doing nothing and the meaning of life. The conversation wasn't that productive and I don't think I gained that much from it but I at least voiced my opinion and got to hear some feedback.

When I left and went to bed all the feelings suddenly emerged and I felt a deep sense of existential dread. My life and everything I do doesn't really have a meaning and I couldn't really find a way out of the thinking. Luckily for me, the internet exists and a quick youtube search pretty much answered my question. The one video I watched helped me flip the perspective on the dread. If nothing truly mattered then I'm completely free to experience life how I want to experience it. This means sending risky texts or doing anything that my prior anxiety would have stopped me from doing. 

I feel like I'm free to do whatever I want (except hurting others) and not feel an attachment to the outcome. 

It's freeing and I hope, I can continue to live this way. 

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