It's going to be okay

Some nights, like tonight I spiral down a sea of thoughts that just don't quite go away. Thoughts of my character, the character of others, decisions, direction, little interactions and everything in between stick with me. There are overarching themes of trust, self-worth, and friendship which I already think about daily.  I think about ways I could have stood up for myself better and become my own bully for not doing it. When I took a step back and told myself it's going to be alright I started to feel better. It gave some perspective and slowed my spiral down. I think of the ways I've improved my life for the better like making the decision to quit a job because it didn't fulfill my needs. Or the decision to change diets, cook more, learn more, reach out more, exercise more, stand up for myself more, and prioritize sleep and health.  These things have made me feel really good the last few months. Just writing those down calms me down and gives my mind some food for th...
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July 5

 As optimistic as my last post sounded, I have been in a state of depression. It's no longer existential dread that keeps me up at night but more so the situation I'm in. I'm bored, unmotivated, and self-conscious. 


Yesterday and today I started going to the gym again and applied to a few jobs which has helped. It feels like I'm getting back to my normal self but I still hate the idea that structure and work has to be the solution to my troubles. 

I don't really know the problem, I don't ever know the problem. I've always thought I could figure it out by looking it up and then applying what I learned. Usually, this delusion kept me going and actually brought me some sense of happiness. When I eventually realize that I'm not actually getting better I then repeat the process and find another answer online or in a book. 

For a day or two I was convinced I had ADHD and so I looked up remedies to help. Just now I find someone saying that it's not ADHD but childhood trauma. This, again is something I've done research on. 

The answer to trauma is that there is no answer which is not a great feeling. Another not-great feeling is knowing that you have this thing that makes you different. It makes you think and act differently which makes you doubt YOUR OWN decisions. 


I usually like to end these with something motivating that "I will now live by" but I won't today. Maybe tomorrow.


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