cognitive distortions

I've started to notice negative self talk I have with myself when I'm alone. I tend to leave interactions happy but after spending time alone quickly turn my memory of them into a negative mush. I told my therapist about this and he said it's something called cognitive distortions which can occur when someone has been traumatized.  I notice them after work or even in planning future events. For example, I'd like to host a party with some co-workers and friends. The first thought that comes to mind about said party is that no one will have a good time and I will be judged for it. I really just want to do it to get over this fear and self-doubt. 
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July 5

 As optimistic as my last post sounded, I have been in a state of depression. It's no longer existential dread that keeps me up at night but more so the situation I'm in. I'm bored, unmotivated, and self-conscious. 


Yesterday and today I started going to the gym again and applied to a few jobs which has helped. It feels like I'm getting back to my normal self but I still hate the idea that structure and work has to be the solution to my troubles. 

I don't really know the problem, I don't ever know the problem. I've always thought I could figure it out by looking it up and then applying what I learned. Usually, this delusion kept me going and actually brought me some sense of happiness. When I eventually realize that I'm not actually getting better I then repeat the process and find another answer online or in a book. 

For a day or two I was convinced I had ADHD and so I looked up remedies to help. Just now I find someone saying that it's not ADHD but childhood trauma. This, again is something I've done research on. 

The answer to trauma is that there is no answer which is not a great feeling. Another not-great feeling is knowing that you have this thing that makes you different. It makes you think and act differently which makes you doubt YOUR OWN decisions. 


I usually like to end these with something motivating that "I will now live by" but I won't today. Maybe tomorrow.


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