texting

I recently Instagram messaged a girl who I met through a mutual friend. We had a good time dancing and though I wasn't sure if my mutual friend was into her so didn't ask for her number. Fast forward a few weeks and I'm trying to make decisions for myself and what I want. I text her about fun things to do in the city we both live in since she's from here.  No reply for a few hours and it stings a little but deep down I know that it's worth it that I tried. Then she responds and seems really enthusiastic and gives me some great recommendations. Now I feel even more pressure. Cause what I really want is to just ask her out. Instead now I feel this pressure to continue the conversation and every thing I say twirls in my mind a million times over. It's basically the same anxiety of talking to a pretty girl at the bar. Thoughts that she's gonna judge me, I'm not good enough, everything blurs my mind and I can't even focus. Action : I'm going to ask he...
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July 6

 I tend not to trust my past self. Notes I write about ideas or psychological concepts always disgusted me after reading them the next day. Often I never go back and re-read what I previously wrote. During school I always took notes during class but almost never reviewed them. When the final came I went over the lecture slides again and took new notes. 

It all seems like a waste of time if I'm not going to ever go back and look at what I was thinking. 

The root cause of this is a lack of trust in myself which I believe has always been my problem. Trauma is involved in this process for sure but I've known this for a while and still can't get close to the actual problem. 

It's hard to describe in words but I feel like it's an energy deep within that locks away true happiness. Instead, I get glimpses of happiness through drugs and ego boosts. 

Maybe I've always wanted to be more and have more which blinded me from my pretty abundant reality. 

Everything I ever did had a cloud over it because I knew I could have more money, better friends, a hotter girlfriend, and the list goes on. 

I don't want to get too sociological but... "success" is promoted extremely heavily across the media I consume and with the people I meet. Usually, this is some sort of financial success like starting a business or getting a high-paying job. That's great and all but if it's something you don't like doing and the only reason you keep at it is for the potential future benefits of it then you are living in a fantasy and your employers know that.



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