I tend not to trust my past self. Notes I write about ideas or psychological concepts always disgusted me after reading them the next day. Often I never go back and re-read what I previously wrote. During school I always took notes during class but almost never reviewed them. When the final came I went over the lecture slides again and took new notes.
It all seems like a waste of time if I'm not going to ever go back and look at what I was thinking.
The root cause of this is a lack of trust in myself which I believe has always been my problem. Trauma is involved in this process for sure but I've known this for a while and still can't get close to the actual problem.
It's hard to describe in words but I feel like it's an energy deep within that locks away true happiness. Instead, I get glimpses of happiness through drugs and ego boosts.
Maybe I've always wanted to be more and have more which blinded me from my pretty abundant reality.
Everything I ever did had a cloud over it because I knew I could have more money, better friends, a hotter girlfriend, and the list goes on.
I don't want to get too sociological but... "success" is promoted extremely heavily across the media I consume and with the people I meet. Usually, this is some sort of financial success like starting a business or getting a high-paying job. That's great and all but if it's something you don't like doing and the only reason you keep at it is for the potential future benefits of it then you are living in a fantasy and your employers know that.
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