Posts

Showing posts from October, 2023

cognitive distortions

I've started to notice negative self talk I have with myself when I'm alone. I tend to leave interactions happy but after spending time alone quickly turn my memory of them into a negative mush. I told my therapist about this and he said it's something called cognitive distortions which can occur when someone has been traumatized.  I notice them after work or even in planning future events. For example, I'd like to host a party with some co-workers and friends. The first thought that comes to mind about said party is that no one will have a good time and I will be judged for it. I really just want to do it to get over this fear and self-doubt. 

Oct 29

 I'm having a mini panic attack, it started when I noticed the funds in my bank account. I often get a feeling of despair when I think of money but this time the feeling has persisted long and has led to lots of spiraling thoughts that I can't seem to shake.  I just want to sleep but my brain has painted a very gross picture of the world in my mind and it's left me feeling hopeless. I feel like if I ask for help from my parents I'm hurting them. I want to do it all on my own.  Thinking about money makes me scared, distressed, and hopeless. 

Oct 21

So I have this pillow that I sleep on. It's very flat and uncomfortable and every time I get into bed I struggle to find a good way to position it. While I'm struggling I tell myself that I should get a new pillow. Then I go to bed, wake up, and completely forget that I had that need until I get back in bed.  I think this is a good analogy for how I treat my own needs. I'll recognize them in the moment, but for the rest of the day, I will drown them out by keeping busy.  For example, the need for friends, while the school week is in session I feel perfectly content but as soon as the weekend hits I become anxious and depressed. This cycle does not end until I forcefully put effort into addressing it. 

Oct 18

 I've kept myself pretty busy which has helped me from the crushing "reality" of my subconscious.  The above is a thought I just had. Does it hold any validity? Maybe... I have kept busy to support myself financially and to get an education which is another form of "reality" I have to face. I no longer feel like I have time to go out on weekends and drink, but that kind of applies to making friends in general. Is this immature? or realistic? Honestly, my nights out and time spent with people have actually been much more rewarding than it has been in the past.  Still, a little free time to rest the mind should be a daily necessity. Going to try and meditate when I can.

Oct 16

 I'm going to practice using fewer "I"s and "I'm"s so this might be rough. Yesterday, I had to complete a CPR class for my job. As I walked into the classroom I immediately noticed someone I knew from work and a club I was in. We chatted a bit and then class began. A few minutes in the door opens and another co-worker walks in, who just like the last was also in the same club. This guy is a little more outgoing and loud. I'm not sure how it started but pretty soon I was unable to control my laughter and neither was the late coworker. We were both squirming in our seats and every slight glance we made towards each other triggered another explosion of laughter. Pretty soon the instructors began to get upset and told us to be mature which sobered me up a bit. Then came the part where we had to give each other fake CPR which as you can imagine didn't help the situation. Eventually, we made it to the end and passed the class thankfully. In the past, havin...

Oct 12

There are two realities I live in. The first is the one that feels anger, and fear. The fear of the unknown and the anger of feeling like a victim. If I get high, I feel much heavier, I wonder more about others, and feel much more towards them. I can feel the weight of my responsibility to be an adult and take care of myself without feeling the anxiety that usually encompasses that.

Oct 10

 I'm getting back into a groove after being pretty depressed all weekend. I started going to the gym again and cooking my own food instead of living off of Taco Bell. A thought that has been on my mind recently is this disconnect I have from what I really want. An example I can think of is with women, where I get the urge to say something but it doesn't come out. Then, because I didn't say something and I see this person again it feels incredibly awkward and I don't bring it up.  I wish I was just honest about it and said like "Hey look I know what happened the other day was weird and I just wanted to know how you are feeling". Instead, I just talk about some random shit that has nothing to do with either of us.  That's just an example but this applies to my parents too, or my siblings. Sometimes I want to get really mad at my parents, but then I don't. And then it festers till I explode. I also want to tell my siblings how much I care about them but t...

Oct 7

 There's something about Saturday nights that really gets me down. I usually find ways to distract myself by talking to some friends and playing video games but on nights when no one is on and no one is around in person my mind gets to me. I want to have a social life but I don't and even when I do I feel like it should be better. I feel like I should be around different, better people but I'm not. Now when I'm alone I crave anything. It's a weird pain, I don't really know what I want. Usually, I can pinpoint some cause but it's an empty pit. I don't even feel like anyone hates me or anything, I'm just alone and don't really know what to do with myself.  I don't think the zyn's help, I don't think nicotine helps but I still do it anyway. It's like a weed, I try and convince myself that I should like it but most of the time it just makes me feel awful, and then I start to think something is wrong with me.  I've been here before...

Oct 6

After leaving New York I stopped writing online and instead have been filling a composition notebook with my thoughts. There were a few rough days/weeks earlier in the semester which were made better by simply journaling what I was thinking. I guess that's why I do it but being at such a low point really allowed me to just spit out whatever thought I was having onto the pages.  I don't want to get too explicit but my mind can go to pretty dark places sometimes but being able to write those things down is nice. For a lot of my life, I actively tried to suppress those thoughts. An example I can think of is being around people I don't really enjoy. I kind of just thought it was normal, even getting into relationships I didn't necessarily want. I think most of it has to do with a need for security and comfort. If I speak up or act how I want, I risk losing friends, sex, and intimacy.  In my head I would know these things but fight it until eventually most of those thoughts ...