cognitive distortions

I've started to notice negative self talk I have with myself when I'm alone. I tend to leave interactions happy but after spending time alone quickly turn my memory of them into a negative mush. I told my therapist about this and he said it's something called cognitive distortions which can occur when someone has been traumatized.  I notice them after work or even in planning future events. For example, I'd like to host a party with some co-workers and friends. The first thought that comes to mind about said party is that no one will have a good time and I will be judged for it. I really just want to do it to get over this fear and self-doubt. 
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Oct 10

 I'm getting back into a groove after being pretty depressed all weekend. I started going to the gym again and cooking my own food instead of living off of Taco Bell.

A thought that has been on my mind recently is this disconnect I have from what I really want. An example I can think of is with women, where I get the urge to say something but it doesn't come out. Then, because I didn't say something and I see this person again it feels incredibly awkward and I don't bring it up. 

I wish I was just honest about it and said like "Hey look I know what happened the other day was weird and I just wanted to know how you are feeling". Instead, I just talk about some random shit that has nothing to do with either of us. 

That's just an example but this applies to my parents too, or my siblings. Sometimes I want to get really mad at my parents, but then I don't. And then it festers till I explode. I also want to tell my siblings how much I care about them but that seems impossible.


There is a clear disconnect between my feelings and my actions. I'm getting better at identifying when it is that I feel a certain way but my mind is extremely quick to make up excuses why I shouldn't feel that way or why I shouldn't express myself. 

It's only after the fact that I can step back from the situation and see that I could have handled it a lot better but I was just scared. 

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