It's going to be okay

Some nights, like tonight I spiral down a sea of thoughts that just don't quite go away. Thoughts of my character, the character of others, decisions, direction, little interactions and everything in between stick with me. There are overarching themes of trust, self-worth, and friendship which I already think about daily.  I think about ways I could have stood up for myself better and become my own bully for not doing it. When I took a step back and told myself it's going to be alright I started to feel better. It gave some perspective and slowed my spiral down. I think of the ways I've improved my life for the better like making the decision to quit a job because it didn't fulfill my needs. Or the decision to change diets, cook more, learn more, reach out more, exercise more, stand up for myself more, and prioritize sleep and health.  These things have made me feel really good the last few months. Just writing those down calms me down and gives my mind some food for th...
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Oct 10

 I'm getting back into a groove after being pretty depressed all weekend. I started going to the gym again and cooking my own food instead of living off of Taco Bell.

A thought that has been on my mind recently is this disconnect I have from what I really want. An example I can think of is with women, where I get the urge to say something but it doesn't come out. Then, because I didn't say something and I see this person again it feels incredibly awkward and I don't bring it up. 

I wish I was just honest about it and said like "Hey look I know what happened the other day was weird and I just wanted to know how you are feeling". Instead, I just talk about some random shit that has nothing to do with either of us. 

That's just an example but this applies to my parents too, or my siblings. Sometimes I want to get really mad at my parents, but then I don't. And then it festers till I explode. I also want to tell my siblings how much I care about them but that seems impossible.


There is a clear disconnect between my feelings and my actions. I'm getting better at identifying when it is that I feel a certain way but my mind is extremely quick to make up excuses why I shouldn't feel that way or why I shouldn't express myself. 

It's only after the fact that I can step back from the situation and see that I could have handled it a lot better but I was just scared. 

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