It's going to be okay

Some nights, like tonight I spiral down a sea of thoughts that just don't quite go away. Thoughts of my character, the character of others, decisions, direction, little interactions and everything in between stick with me. There are overarching themes of trust, self-worth, and friendship which I already think about daily.  I think about ways I could have stood up for myself better and become my own bully for not doing it. When I took a step back and told myself it's going to be alright I started to feel better. It gave some perspective and slowed my spiral down. I think of the ways I've improved my life for the better like making the decision to quit a job because it didn't fulfill my needs. Or the decision to change diets, cook more, learn more, reach out more, exercise more, stand up for myself more, and prioritize sleep and health.  These things have made me feel really good the last few months. Just writing those down calms me down and gives my mind some food for th...
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Oct 16

 I'm going to practice using fewer "I"s and "I'm"s so this might be rough.


Yesterday, I had to complete a CPR class for my job. As I walked into the classroom I immediately noticed someone I knew from work and a club I was in. We chatted a bit and then class began. A few minutes in the door opens and another co-worker walks in, who just like the last was also in the same club. This guy is a little more outgoing and loud. I'm not sure how it started but pretty soon I was unable to control my laughter and neither was the late coworker. We were both squirming in our seats and every slight glance we made towards each other triggered another explosion of laughter. Pretty soon the instructors began to get upset and told us to be mature which sobered me up a bit. Then came the part where we had to give each other fake CPR which as you can imagine didn't help the situation. Eventually, we made it to the end and passed the class thankfully.

In the past, having the attention on me as the instructor scolded me might have triggered some deep-rooted shame, but I honestly couldn't care less. I told him I was sorry and that I was trying not to and that was all. I don't think I've laughed at anything that hard since high school 4-5 years ago. It was very refreshing.


I started sleeping with this girl who I was friends with last year. It's been pretty bland and we can't seem to communicate well at all. After the first time we slept together I wouldn't have been surprised if we never talked again. It was a little awkward and afterward, we didn't talk openly or anything. We haven't even talked about what we want from the relationship, instead we talk about surface-level things. We did sleep together again afterward so I was wrong with my assumptions. I think we are both pretty emotionally withdrawn so maybe we can work on it together. 




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