cognitive distortions

I've started to notice negative self talk I have with myself when I'm alone. I tend to leave interactions happy but after spending time alone quickly turn my memory of them into a negative mush. I told my therapist about this and he said it's something called cognitive distortions which can occur when someone has been traumatized.  I notice them after work or even in planning future events. For example, I'd like to host a party with some co-workers and friends. The first thought that comes to mind about said party is that no one will have a good time and I will be judged for it. I really just want to do it to get over this fear and self-doubt. 
Post a Comment

Oct 6

After leaving New York I stopped writing online and instead have been filling a composition notebook with my thoughts. There were a few rough days/weeks earlier in the semester which were made better by simply journaling what I was thinking. I guess that's why I do it but being at such a low point really allowed me to just spit out whatever thought I was having onto the pages. 

I don't want to get too explicit but my mind can go to pretty dark places sometimes but being able to write those things down is nice. For a lot of my life, I actively tried to suppress those thoughts. An example I can think of is being around people I don't really enjoy. I kind of just thought it was normal, even getting into relationships I didn't necessarily want. I think most of it has to do with a need for security and comfort. If I speak up or act how I want, I risk losing friends, sex, and intimacy. 

In my head I would know these things but fight it until eventually most of those thoughts just manifested. Most of my relationships end in very unfulfilling ways. I never truly know what the other person is feeling and then again most of the time I don't care. 

Then, randomly some nights I'll think back about how much of a piece of shit I was. 

It's getting better though, that is, getting what I want. I learned about this thing called the locus of control which is basically how you perceive reality. If you have an external locus of control you think that you have no control over the direction of your life. If you have an internal locus you believe that your actions control your future. 

For a while this mindset allowed me to harness in on my studies as they are a means by which I can fulfill my most desired need: security. 


Security and money have been the most important thing to me and have now led me to live with a pretty miserable mindset. Having any kind of fun outside of doing my homework or working feels like a waste. 

I've reverted back to a more external locus but hope to find balance with both. 


I was listening to a YouTube video by Joseph Campbell, who as far as I can understand has a very strong external locus of control. He talks about bliss and how following it will lead you all kinds of new opportunities you would have never imagined. 

I really like this perspective and think that in some respect he is right, but then another part of my mind argues that I can't do that. I have to take responsibility and finish school, and get a good job. 


It's basically how much I trust in future uncertainties. I don't know if I'll ever know, I probably won't. But if good things happen I tend to put my trust in the cause and if bad things happen I tend to put my fault in the cause. So, as good things and bad things naturally happen I will stay confused. 








Comments

Post a Comment