It's going to be okay

Some nights, like tonight I spiral down a sea of thoughts that just don't quite go away. Thoughts of my character, the character of others, decisions, direction, little interactions and everything in between stick with me. There are overarching themes of trust, self-worth, and friendship which I already think about daily.  I think about ways I could have stood up for myself better and become my own bully for not doing it. When I took a step back and told myself it's going to be alright I started to feel better. It gave some perspective and slowed my spiral down. I think of the ways I've improved my life for the better like making the decision to quit a job because it didn't fulfill my needs. Or the decision to change diets, cook more, learn more, reach out more, exercise more, stand up for myself more, and prioritize sleep and health.  These things have made me feel really good the last few months. Just writing those down calms me down and gives my mind some food for th...
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Oct 7

 There's something about Saturday nights that really gets me down. I usually find ways to distract myself by talking to some friends and playing video games but on nights when no one is on and no one is around in person my mind gets to me.

I want to have a social life but I don't and even when I do I feel like it should be better. I feel like I should be around different, better people but I'm not. Now when I'm alone I crave anything. It's a weird pain, I don't really know what I want. Usually, I can pinpoint some cause but it's an empty pit. I don't even feel like anyone hates me or anything, I'm just alone and don't really know what to do with myself. 

I don't think the zyn's help, I don't think nicotine helps but I still do it anyway. It's like a weed, I try and convince myself that I should like it but most of the time it just makes me feel awful, and then I start to think something is wrong with me. 

I've been here before though, and I know that I can get back into a grove but for the time being it's painful. I want someone to talk to but don't trust that they won't judge me for it. I really have to work on opening up to at least one person. The thought of getting rejected though is almost too much to bear though and that's the hardest part. 

I was going through some parlays I made based on 0 football knowledge. It's kind of impressive how many I got wrong. I jokingly told my friends that next week I'm going to do the opposite of what my instincts tell me. I'll see if that opens me up a bit and allows me to treat life a little less seriously and more like a game. 

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