It's going to be okay

Some nights, like tonight I spiral down a sea of thoughts that just don't quite go away. Thoughts of my character, the character of others, decisions, direction, little interactions and everything in between stick with me. There are overarching themes of trust, self-worth, and friendship which I already think about daily.  I think about ways I could have stood up for myself better and become my own bully for not doing it. When I took a step back and told myself it's going to be alright I started to feel better. It gave some perspective and slowed my spiral down. I think of the ways I've improved my life for the better like making the decision to quit a job because it didn't fulfill my needs. Or the decision to change diets, cook more, learn more, reach out more, exercise more, stand up for myself more, and prioritize sleep and health.  These things have made me feel really good the last few months. Just writing those down calms me down and gives my mind some food for th...
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Nov 11

 I feel sad and shame. I want to have a group of friends I like but I don't right now and it sucks. When I get back to work and school I'll feel distracted with that and these feelings stay repressed till I get to the weekend again. It feels like I attract the wrong people into my life and I wish I knew how to change that.

Earlier this morning I had the realization that I am not my thoughts and I could realize the negative voice that was in my head. That voice has two core beliefs: 

- people shouldn't have flaws

- people shouldn't make mistakes

I notice this pattern most after a night out. I'll wake up and immediately regret what I did and paint this terrible picture of myself. I'll analyze every little thing and end up feeling shameful. When I can actively recognize that I'm doing this I can resort back to a natural state of being rather than becoming overwhelmed with emotion. 

Another aspect of this is that certain emotions can trigger it, so it goes two ways. When I'm feeling lonely, I start thinking about why I don't have friends or anyone to hang out with, which then gets me thinking about my flaws and mistakes. 


Also if I'm running low on money I'll begin to think about how useless I am and how doomed the future seems. 


It's a good realization but even still I manage to get hooked by those thoughts so the goal is to minimize them either by sharing or being extremely mindful of them. I'll try and do both.

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