cognitive distortions

I've started to notice negative self talk I have with myself when I'm alone. I tend to leave interactions happy but after spending time alone quickly turn my memory of them into a negative mush. I told my therapist about this and he said it's something called cognitive distortions which can occur when someone has been traumatized.  I notice them after work or even in planning future events. For example, I'd like to host a party with some co-workers and friends. The first thought that comes to mind about said party is that no one will have a good time and I will be judged for it. I really just want to do it to get over this fear and self-doubt. 
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Nov 11

 I feel sad and shame. I want to have a group of friends I like but I don't right now and it sucks. When I get back to work and school I'll feel distracted with that and these feelings stay repressed till I get to the weekend again. It feels like I attract the wrong people into my life and I wish I knew how to change that.

Earlier this morning I had the realization that I am not my thoughts and I could realize the negative voice that was in my head. That voice has two core beliefs: 

- people shouldn't have flaws

- people shouldn't make mistakes

I notice this pattern most after a night out. I'll wake up and immediately regret what I did and paint this terrible picture of myself. I'll analyze every little thing and end up feeling shameful. When I can actively recognize that I'm doing this I can resort back to a natural state of being rather than becoming overwhelmed with emotion. 

Another aspect of this is that certain emotions can trigger it, so it goes two ways. When I'm feeling lonely, I start thinking about why I don't have friends or anyone to hang out with, which then gets me thinking about my flaws and mistakes. 


Also if I'm running low on money I'll begin to think about how useless I am and how doomed the future seems. 


It's a good realization but even still I manage to get hooked by those thoughts so the goal is to minimize them either by sharing or being extremely mindful of them. I'll try and do both.

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