cognitive distortions

I've started to notice negative self talk I have with myself when I'm alone. I tend to leave interactions happy but after spending time alone quickly turn my memory of them into a negative mush. I told my therapist about this and he said it's something called cognitive distortions which can occur when someone has been traumatized.  I notice them after work or even in planning future events. For example, I'd like to host a party with some co-workers and friends. The first thought that comes to mind about said party is that no one will have a good time and I will be judged for it. I really just want to do it to get over this fear and self-doubt. 
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Dec 15

 Who am I? I so desperately want to answer this question and it feels like if I focus hard enough on it I'll break through and understand. Maybe that's true but for now, I'm still stuck on the question. There are a few things I'm starting to understand about myself. The first is that my mood is very reactive to my environment. I'll give you an example. My day could be going great but then I get an email about my internet bill. For whatever reason my provider decided to raise my bill by $5. This immediately makes me angry, I think an injustice has been done to me because I didn't read the fine print. I'm not only mad at the company but now I'm mad at the whole system. How can something so innately unfair be allowed? Maybe under a different system, this wouldn't be an issue. Maybe money in and of itself is the issue, it creates winners and losers and exploiters and the exploited. 

All these thoughts come up because of a $5 increase in my monthly expenses. Now I'm sitting in my room thinking about how unfair the system is and how in a year, when I graduate, I'll be part of that very system. I'll be a part of something I hate which makes me hate myself. 


Another example would be if a peer criticizes me or in any way makes me feel like I did something wrong. This brings up past memories of times when I wasn't a good friend or could have been a better person. I can't seem to cope with the fact that I make mistakes. 

These are two interesting things I've found out about myself recently. I think the source of the money issue is past familial struggles with finances and a lack of fundamental understanding of our systems. On the issue that brings up shame, I believe past traumas stopped me from showing any sort of resistance to bullying, criticism, or any other kind of boundary-pushing. I would just ride with the punches cause at least those people were in my life and didn't leave me. My true nature might be buried deep below the mountains of perceived characteristics I take on that I believe people will like me for.


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