cognitive distortions

I've started to notice negative self talk I have with myself when I'm alone. I tend to leave interactions happy but after spending time alone quickly turn my memory of them into a negative mush. I told my therapist about this and he said it's something called cognitive distortions which can occur when someone has been traumatized.  I notice them after work or even in planning future events. For example, I'd like to host a party with some co-workers and friends. The first thought that comes to mind about said party is that no one will have a good time and I will be judged for it. I really just want to do it to get over this fear and self-doubt. 
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Dec 30

 I get in the habit of deep thought often brought on by books, the internet, or music. These thoughts begin with me connecting to a certain aspect of what is being said and then doing a complete deep dive into the meaning. I think I'm searching for some kind of truth in my head. I.e., the world is a bad place or believing in religion. Every once in a while I'll hold firm on one of these beliefs but as soon as my actual experience challenges it I go right back to research. 


Questions I ask myself:

- how hard should I work? 

- should I always strive for perfection?

- do you give up on old friends? 

- is being a "good" person actually deceitful?


I find answers to these questions which motivate me in the moment. But it's just something someone wrote and it could or couldn't apply to my life and my situation. The only thing that truly feels like the right answer is to live every day fully. And what I mean by that isn't to party all the time or go on adventures but to instead be present with the reality of my life. The reality might often suck. For example, I might have to work but that allows me to live in an apartment and eat good food. Both things I desperately want and need. I also want and need attention, affection, friendships, relationships, etc.., More often than not with the intangibles, I try and find solutions to getting those needs met. For example, instead of finding friends i'll just meditate or smoke weed, or play video games, or workout. In the end I'm just on a floating rock so none of it really matters. 

What I wish I did was go out and SOLVE MY OWN PROBLEMS. I consistently resort back to hunkering down and trying to change my brains mind rather than agreeing with what I need and doing something to get it done. 


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