MAYBE MATURING

This is a little different. I usually write these journal entries/blog posts when I’m high but tonight I’m drunk as fuck. I went out with some homies who I’ve known for so long and although I didn’t think I would, I had a great time. When I got home I felt a little nautious and threw up. I’m feeling better now and got the urge to write something. Being drunk is so much different than smoking for me. I guess I’m both right now but drinking really boosts some type of energy in me. I feel connected to myself and the world around me, I feel grateful for what I have. These feelings aren’t there when I’m sober or high. I doubt my relationships, my family, my friends, my future. I just can’t stop thinking about it. Now I feel great, I want to tell the people I love that I love them and I want this feeling of peace to last. I’m writing this cause I think I know that this won’t last, at least not in the short term. I will go back to my old ways of doubt, fear, and guilt and I guess that’s okay....

I started to feel very insecure and emotional at work today. The day was very slow and my manager assigned me some busy work like folding napkins and taking down Christmas decorations. This already made me feel a little mad because I felt like I was being treated unfairly. This usually happens when someone asks me to do something for them. Following that, the few tables that I did have weren’t the usual layout I’ve worked on in the past. This made me uncomfortable and took me out of my element. A few tables seemed annoyed at me for weird timing and not knowing the drink menu well. That further made me self conscious and upset.

I can see the two paths I can go down. The first are those who pride themselves in being real and not chasing the money. The alt crowd who are open to anything. Then there’s the route of wealth, pride, and respect. This path is about suffering to get what you want. It doesn’t really matter what you do but as long as you do it well and make money you can live a good life. This life is more about appearances while the prior is about feelings.  Is one inherently wrong or is it all objective. 

I often go back through my day and the interactions I had during it. I’ll think about what I could have said differently and how they must have felt by what I said. I always think about how much they must hate me because I didn’t say or do everything perfectly. I can’t bear the idea that I am imperfect and make mistakes. I think I separate myself from that identity because it’s scary to live in that reality.