cognitive distortions

I've started to notice negative self talk I have with myself when I'm alone. I tend to leave interactions happy but after spending time alone quickly turn my memory of them into a negative mush. I told my therapist about this and he said it's something called cognitive distortions which can occur when someone has been traumatized.  I notice them after work or even in planning future events. For example, I'd like to host a party with some co-workers and friends. The first thought that comes to mind about said party is that no one will have a good time and I will be judged for it. I really just want to do it to get over this fear and self-doubt. 
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March 13

 I told myself I was going to write this in the morning but that was 15 minutes ago and I've since changed my mind. It's 12:16AM and I have the urge to write. The last few months have been a pretty strange period. I can't really tell if I've matured at all or if it's the weed. I go in and out of thinking phases more often, like I'll think that meditation is the answer but then I'll also go into pleasure seeking behaviors like drugs, alcohol, sex, love and gaming. Both never really get me to what I want so I switch when I don't think one way of thinking is working. For example, in my meditation phase, I'll be very calm and present but at the same time extremely nice and forgiving. In this phase I feel like I'm most susceptible to get taken advantage of. I think the right balance is to be in that state but also be aware enough to stand up for yourself when you think something is going wrong. Then when I'm in my pleasure seeking phase my actions are more destructive and of short term benefit. 

As I'm writing this I also notice how black and white my thinking could be. I tend to label things as good or bad, all of which is very dependent on the mood i'm feeling in the moment.


Ok thats all I'm writing, I'm tired. Here is a picture of a building.



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