cognitive distortions

I've started to notice negative self talk I have with myself when I'm alone. I tend to leave interactions happy but after spending time alone quickly turn my memory of them into a negative mush. I told my therapist about this and he said it's something called cognitive distortions which can occur when someone has been traumatized.  I notice them after work or even in planning future events. For example, I'd like to host a party with some co-workers and friends. The first thought that comes to mind about said party is that no one will have a good time and I will be judged for it. I really just want to do it to get over this fear and self-doubt. 
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march 15

 I'm drunk, high, and off of some nicotine and I want to see what I'm going to write. 


I feel like part of me has a great disliking for my own character. There is constant judgement about my actions and no sympathy for how I've dealt with things. It feels like everything that is not perfect is terrible and one action defines me as a character. I could have a great night but one comment completely derails and invalidates all other actions taken that night. 


The fact that I am juggling 2 jobs and a full schedule of school doesn't even cross my mind. The only thing that does is the mistakes I made in those jobs, or in school. Any little mistake just lingers.


Part of me thinks this is how it is. The mind goes to dark places to force you to become a better version of yourself, but another part of me believes that this forcement should come naturally and with some sort of grace instead of self-hatred/doubt.

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