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Showing posts from April, 2024

It's going to be okay

Some nights, like tonight I spiral down a sea of thoughts that just don't quite go away. Thoughts of my character, the character of others, decisions, direction, little interactions and everything in between stick with me. There are overarching themes of trust, self-worth, and friendship which I already think about daily.  I think about ways I could have stood up for myself better and become my own bully for not doing it. When I took a step back and told myself it's going to be alright I started to feel better. It gave some perspective and slowed my spiral down. I think of the ways I've improved my life for the better like making the decision to quit a job because it didn't fulfill my needs. Or the decision to change diets, cook more, learn more, reach out more, exercise more, stand up for myself more, and prioritize sleep and health.  These things have made me feel really good the last few months. Just writing those down calms me down and gives my mind some food for th...
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April 11

 Patterns: A pattern I noticed today is my lack of self belief when it comes to choosing the people I want in my life. As soon as someone has something bad to say about someone I immediately begin judging my own idea of that person. This is a constant issue that arises and it disconnects me from creating a bond with said individual because I now lack the necessary trust in that person to make it happen. Maybe it's helped me avoid bad relationships but I also think it's stopped me from forming any meaningful ones.  In the future if I feel something of that nature arise I'll talk to the person about it. For example I'll tell them "hey, so and so said this about you and I want to know your thoughts about it". This will most likely lead to a very awkward situation but I get the most out of those sorts of interactions, regardless of the reaction.
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April 6

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It's late as fuck right now and I can't sleep. My shift was long and I ended up eating and smoking before bed which never works out well in terms of my sleep quality. I'm anxious to fall asleep so I can get my day started tomorrow but I'm struggling to shut off. Not too upset or in my head which is different than most nights. I noticed myself slipping into an anxious though pattern and was able to highlight it as such and take my attention away from it.  I feel like I'm finally starting to understand how to live a better life and truly it starts with being bold and keeping your feet planted and spine aligned and head high with that decision. The more you do this the more you understand what you truly want.  Here's a building.
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