MAYBE MATURING

A debate I've been having in my head recently stems from a recent encounter I had with a women. We had gone on a date, which I thought went well. She texts me a few days later saying she rather just be friends and invites me to a kickback she is having. Reluctantly I go and end up having a pretty good time. I talk a little with her and at one point we leave to go get cigarettes together. It feels like we are kind of flirting but I don't know. A few minutes later I ask her where the bathroom is and she says she'll show me. We go into the house together and she shows me both bathrooms asking me which she thinks is hers. I guess correctly and she lets me do my business. I can't remember exactly what I was feeling in this moment, I'm sure part of me was wondering if I should kiss her or make a move.  The last few days I've been wondering if that's the right thing to do. Making a move could have breached some boundaries and potentially hurt her. It could have als...

I'm having a hard time falling asleep. I keep thinking about what I said to my friend. I indirectly insulted him without even thinking about it. He reacted by telling me he felt insulted but I blew it off thinking he was just joking around. I replay the event in my head over and over and don't know if I should apologize or not.  The reason I would apologize is because I like my friend and don't want him to think I think poorly of him.  The reason I wouldn't apologize is because I don't want to come off as clingy or super nice to the point where he can say whatever he wants and I am always walking on eggshells. Another reason is sometimes I blow things like this way out of proportion and will think someone hates me for something I said but when I see them it's totally fine. Another confirmation of this is him texting me, asking me about a date I went on. Still, the thought has been on my mind for the last day and half since it happened. I'll probably end up b...

I decided it's time to start dating again. My mind has been stuck on one girl I went on one date with a month ago. It's time for me to stop with the fairytales and put myself back out there. This means showing interest but also knowing and exploring my options without shame or guilt. Much of that will come in time and with some mental effort.  For now I need to focus on not creating love stories in my brain the minute I meet a girl. 

 I took a break from writing my thoughts online but felt the urge to write something because I'm starting to nail down critical info.  The root of my problem seems to lie with my inability to trust others. I've been betrayed by people I trusted when I was younger and although I can't pinpoint the exact moment, the switch has been flipped for a long time. This has led to internalizing stress and hatred and acting like nothing was wrong. If I tell someone I fear they will hurt me more or leave. I have built a very strong barrier that I have yet to conquer.  I think a therapist can help with this but Ideally I would love to get over it with some of my friends.