cognitive distortions

I've started to notice negative self talk I have with myself when I'm alone. I tend to leave interactions happy but after spending time alone quickly turn my memory of them into a negative mush. I told my therapist about this and he said it's something called cognitive distortions which can occur when someone has been traumatized.  I notice them after work or even in planning future events. For example, I'd like to host a party with some co-workers and friends. The first thought that comes to mind about said party is that no one will have a good time and I will be judged for it. I really just want to do it to get over this fear and self-doubt. 
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A life of mediocrity

I fear most, a life of mediocrity. Every decision I make leads back to this question: "Where am I leading my life to if I do this". Which often results in long, drawn out thinking that usually come down to last second decisions any way. 

Since I can remember I've thought this way. I never wanted to be like anyone I knew, everyone had flaws and didn't seem truly happy with their existence. I want to overcome every obstacle in my way and achieve what most can't. I've always felt like that is destined for me. That being said, it creates lots of anxiety when making decisions since every little detail has a mountain of pressure resting on it.

What I think I want:

- A good paying job

- An attractive wife/girlfriend

- A big social circle

- Meaningful relationships

- A meaningful career

- Sobriety from drugs and porn


I asked ChatGPT for advice. This is it's response, I kind of like it: 

Balancing ambition with self-compassion could help reduce the anxiety you experience in decision-making. It's important to remember that life is fluid, and no single decision determines the entirety of your journey.

Progress comes from the collective impact of small, intentional actions rather than any single monumental choice. This mindset shift can help reduce the pressure on each decision while still guiding you toward the life you envision.

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