It's going to be okay

Some nights, like tonight I spiral down a sea of thoughts that just don't quite go away. Thoughts of my character, the character of others, decisions, direction, little interactions and everything in between stick with me. There are overarching themes of trust, self-worth, and friendship which I already think about daily.  I think about ways I could have stood up for myself better and become my own bully for not doing it. When I took a step back and told myself it's going to be alright I started to feel better. It gave some perspective and slowed my spiral down. I think of the ways I've improved my life for the better like making the decision to quit a job because it didn't fulfill my needs. Or the decision to change diets, cook more, learn more, reach out more, exercise more, stand up for myself more, and prioritize sleep and health.  These things have made me feel really good the last few months. Just writing those down calms me down and gives my mind some food for th...
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In vs Out

I've always felt like an outsider peering into others worlds. Their worlds always seem vast and full of excitement and connection. Mine has felt like a repeat of the same events and circumstances for the last 4 years. I've matured in many ways thankfully but I feel like there were risks and opportunities I didn't take. I want to break this cycle which i've been trying to do through sobriety and therapy. It feels like the next move is to expand to new friendships that suit my needs better.

When I do try and make friends the same thing tends to happen. We talk and have a good time but then I see them again and i start to think of ways they wouldn't be a good friend or why they wouldn't want to be friends with me. Like if they figured out who I was and what I did and how dumb I actually was they wouldn't want to be friends with me. Feeling this way makes it very difficult to connect further and usually we end up not becoming friends.

On this topic I also think they would judge me or not like me if I didn't have other friends or have things to bring them to. I want to leave my old friends for new ones but don't think new one's would like me if I didn't have old friends. This thinking keeps me completely stuck. It demotivates me and makes me judgemental and hateful of old friends who haven't done anything to harm me.

The question is then, how do i stop this thinking, how do I stop with the games and start living authentically? I want to say what I mean and be with people I genuinely enjoy.


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