It's going to be okay

Some nights, like tonight I spiral down a sea of thoughts that just don't quite go away. Thoughts of my character, the character of others, decisions, direction, little interactions and everything in between stick with me. There are overarching themes of trust, self-worth, and friendship which I already think about daily.  I think about ways I could have stood up for myself better and become my own bully for not doing it. When I took a step back and told myself it's going to be alright I started to feel better. It gave some perspective and slowed my spiral down. I think of the ways I've improved my life for the better like making the decision to quit a job because it didn't fulfill my needs. Or the decision to change diets, cook more, learn more, reach out more, exercise more, stand up for myself more, and prioritize sleep and health.  These things have made me feel really good the last few months. Just writing those down calms me down and gives my mind some food for th...
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Rules

It's not that I'm shy, its more so that I have rules in my head for how the world works. Really, I spend all my time trying to refine these rules. I'll take input from my surroundings like someone saying something and the reaction(output) to that something. Then if it occurs enough or I see it online enough I will make it a default rule. So When I'm at work or in other social situations I weave through conversations and interactions, not trying to break any of these rules. A big one for me is showing any interest whatsoever. I want to be wanted and hard to get. When I hear others talking about going out together, what I really want to say is, "can i come?" but under my rules that is deemed desperate and they would think I'm a loser.

On a separate but related note, I feel this effects the way I walk. I'm so tense cause I don't want to be exposed as something, because having an identify can lead to others hurting it.

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